HEZEKIAH 5'2m0f King Hezekiah lets the Lord fight the battle

HEZEKIAH - Will you stop pacing the floor?!

GENERAL -- I'm the general of your army, King Hezekiah, how can 
you expect me to just stand here and wait?

HEZEKIAH - Because the battle belongs to the Lord.

GENERAL -- There must be 200,000 Assyrians surrounding the city. 
I can't just sit around and.... Why are you crawling around the 

HEZEKIAH - I'm not crawling around on the floor. I'm praying.  
Maybe you should pray too.

GENERAL -- Just give me the word, Hezekiah, and I'll go out 
there and mop up the floor with those bozos.

HEZEKIAH - You're not listening to me.

GENERAL -- Let me at 'em.

HEZEKIAH - General, we have turned the battle over to the Lord. 
Besides, we're outnumbered five to one.

GENERAL -- Oh, yeah. (crying) We're all going to die! They're 
going to squash us like a bug. Hezekiah!

HEZEKIAH - General! Get a hold of yourself. The battle belongs 
to the Lord. If God is for us who can be against us?

GENERAL -- 200,000 Assyrians, that's who. Well, if I'm gonna die 
I'm gonna die fighting. Where's my spear? I'm gonna make a 
shishkabob of those Assyrians.

HEZEKIAH - General, please! The Lord told us to wait until the 

GENERAL -- I could make mince meat out of 50 or 60 of them 
before they knew what hit 'em.


GENERAL -- I'll climb up one side of 'em and down the other. 
When I get through with them, there won't be enough to bury.


GENERAL -- I'll drop-kick them into eternity. I'll tear 'em to 
shreds. They're look like they've been through a blender.


GENERAL -- I'll hit 'em so hard they be smiling through the back 
of their heads. I'll kick 'em in the behind so hard they'll look 
like they've wearing shoulder pads.


GENERAL -- I'll tear off their heads and spit down theirs necks. 
I'll hit 'em so hard they'll end up in a different time zone.


GENERAL -- I'll slice 'em, I'll dice 'em, I'll make julienne fries 
out of 'em. I'll hit 'em so hard they see stars.... up close.


GENERAL -- Aw, come on!

HEZEKIAH - General, the battle belongs to the Lord.

GENERAL -- Well, where is he then?

HEZEKIAH - He might be at work out there right now. Let's open 
the shutters and see if we can see...

GENERAL -- (afar) Oh, no, don't open the window!

HEZEKIAH - General why are you hiding under the bed?

GENERAL -- Me? Hiding? Ah, I'm not hiding. I'm, ah, I'm... 
looking for my contact lens.

HEZEKIAH - General, contact lenses haven't been invented yet.

GENERAL -- (afar) Oh, sure, get technical on me.

HEZEKIAH - (open window) General, come look.

GENERAL -- (afar) No, thanks, I'm taking your advice. I'm 

HEZEKIAH - Under the bed?

GENERAL -- (afar) It's quiet under here. I can concentrate 

HEZEKIAH - I thought it sounded kind of quiet out there.

GENERAL -- (afar) I knew it! They're sneaking up on us. Dear God 
save us. Dear God, don't let them hurt us. Dear God, remember 
I'm allergic to being stabbed. Dear God, save me....

HEZEKIAH - General, you can relax.

GENERAL -- (afar) What?

HEZEKIAH - I said you can relax. Look. The first light of dawn.

GENERAL -- (afar) This isn't a trick to get me to increase my 
faith is it, Hezekiah?

HEZEKIAH - No. Just come look out the window. The sun is coming 
up and you can see them clearly.

GENERAL -- (afar) Just remember, Lord, I'm counting on you. 
Don't let me down. (near) Well, what do you know?! They're all 
dead! Bodies as far as the eye can see.

HEZEKIAH - The Angel of the Lord killed them all during the 

GENERAL -- Must be almost 200,000 bodies!

HEZEKIAH - See? You worried for nothing. Not a soldier of ours 
was lost.

GENERAL -- They're all dead!


GENERAL -- It's a good thing for the Assyrians that it was just 
the Lord who killed them, because if they were still alive I 
would have made them suffer. I'd have hit 'em so hard all 
there'd be left is a hat and a pair of shoes. I'd have made dog 
food out of them. I would have knocked them into tomorrow.

HEZEKIAH - Oh, look, one of them is still alive.

GENERAL -- (afar) Anybody seen my contact lens. It's under the 
bed here somewhere. Dear God don't let him hurt me!

HEZEKIAH - It's King Sennacherib. He's retreating to Nineveh.

GENERAL -- It's a good thing, too. Because I would have cooked 
his goose. I would have fixed his wagon.

HEZEKIAH - Well, General, I guess we have nothing to do now but 
clean up the bodies.

GENERAL -- (afar) You certainly do. So, I'll see you later.

HEZEKIAH - General, why are you going out the BACK door? Aren't 
you going to help us clean up the bodies?

GENERAL -- (afar) Are you kidding? I can't stand the sight of 

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