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GILGAL   4'2m0f Before entering the promised land: circumcision

CALEB --- (PA speaker with echo) Good morning, children of 
Israel. Before I hand the microphone over to Joshua, I need to 
talk you one more time about manna from Heaven. I know some of 
you get tired of hearing this announcement every morning for 
forty years, but we have to cover it one more time. People! 
Manna from Heaven rots after one day. I'm sure I don't have to 
tell you about the smell. So, please, take only as much manna 
from heaven as your need to feed you and your family for one 
day. Okay, here's Joshua with what he says is a big 
announcement.

JOSHUA -- (Except as noted, Joshua speaks into PA speaker with 
echo for the rest of the skit) Okay, thanks, Caleb. By now I'm 
sure everyone has heard that our two spies have returned from 
Jericho. They tell me that the people of Jericho are petrified 
of us. Fellow Hebrews, I am so excited about the prospect of 
FINALLY getting to conquer the promised land.

CALEB --- (aside) So, ah, when DO we go into battle, Joshua?

JOSHUA -- Okay, we have a question. The question is, "when to we 
leave"? The answer is we leave in one week.

CALEB --- (aside) What are we waiting for? Why can't we leave 
today?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another question. The question is, 
"Why not leave right away"? And the answer is, ah, well, ah, the 
Lord wants us to look real sharp when we conquer Jericho, so he 
wants all the men to be circumcised.

CALEB --- (aside) Circum....

JOSHUA -- Circumcised. That's right.

CALEB --- (aside) So, ah, what's that? A kind of hair cut?

JOSHUA -- Our father's were circumcised. And all the Hebrew men 
since Abraham have been circumcised. But, when we were out in 
the desert for 40 years, we stopped circumcising our boy babies 
on the eighth day as prescribed by law. But, now the Lord wants 
us to resume our long standing tradition. So, now if all the men 
will line up over here... 

CALEB --- (aside) Wait a minute. Just exactly what are you going 
to cut?

JOSHUA -- (aside) I can't say it up here in front of 
everybody. There are women and children listening. Here, let me 
whisper it in your ear. (whispers) Pssspsssppssss.

CALEB --- (aside) No way! You're not going to cut mine off!

JOSHUA -- Well, we don't cut it all off, just the (whispers) 
Pssspsssppssss.

CALEB --- (aside) Oh.

JOSHUA -- So, if all the men of Israel will just form a line 
right over here... 

CALEB --- (aside) So, where's the doctor?

JOSHUA -- (aside) The doctor?

CALEB --- (aside) The doctor who will be performing the 
circum....

JOSHUA -- (aside) Circumcision. Okay, we've had another 
question, by my good friend Caleb. The question was "where is 
the doctor who will perform the surgery"? And the answer is, 
there is no doctor. I'm going to do the circumcisions myself.

CALEB --- (aside) You mean YOU are going to cut the 
you-know-what off my you-know-what?

JOSHUA -- Gentlemen, I assure you that the surgery is quick and 
easy. You'll be all healed up in a week and then we'll be able 
to conquer.... 

CALEB --- (clears throat)

JOSHUA -- (aside) What is it now, Caleb?

CALEB --- (aside) You ever done this surgery before?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another question. The question is, 
have I ever performed this surgery before? The answer is no, I 
have never performed this surgery before. But the Lord is with 
me. He'll show me what to do. Now, please, will all the men... 

CALEB --- (aside) Joshua.

JOSHUA -- (aside) What is it?

CALEB --- (aside) Where's your scalpel?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, I have another silly question, from the man 
who I thought was my friend. The question is, where is my 
scalpel. And the answer to this question is, I'm not going to 
use a scalpel to perform this surgery. I'm going to use a flint 
knife, as prescribed by the Lord. Now, if I've answered all your 
questions, gentlemen, please, just line up... 

CALEB --- (aside) Listen, I hate to bother you.

JOSHUA -- What.

CALEB --- (aside) So, you're going to perform the 
whatchamacallit...

JOSHUA -- ...the circumcision...

CALEB --- (aside) ...whatever. You actually think you're going 
to cut me with a sharpened stone?

JOSHUA -- Okay, so, we have another stupid question. But it 
isn't really a question, but an admission of lack of faith. My 
former friend Caleb, here, who was brave enough to spy on the 
promised land and who was willing to face the giants in battle, 
is now afraid of a little pain. Do I have that right, Caleb, old 
buddy?

CALEB --- (aside) Well, I, ah,...

JOSHUA -- Well, are you a man or a mouse? 

CALEB --- (aside) Well, I, ah,...

JOSHUA -- I can't hear your. Squeak up.

CALEB --- (aside) Alright, it's no big deal.

JOSHUA -- Gentlemen, I assure you, we Hebrews have been 
performing this ritual for thousands of years. So, now, I'm 
assuming that there are no more questions, which, for the most 
part, reveal a lack of faith, I will start the circumcisions 
beginning with Caleb here.

CALEB --- (fading) Me? Listen, I just remembered, I have a dental 
appointment.

JOSHUA -- (afar) Let's step over here behind this bush. 
This will only take a moment. 

CALEB --- (screams afar) 

JOSHUA -- (afar) There, that wasn't so bad, was it? (into PA) 
Well, now, if the men of Israel will just form a line... Hey, 
where did everybody go? 


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