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GIDEON   6'1m0f Monologue: Gideon prepares for Battle

Hi, welcome to our home. We just love it when friends come for 
dinner. Please, make yourselves comfortable. Can we get you 
something to...

(phone rings)

Excuse me. I'll just be a second.

(off hook)

Hello.

Yes, this is the prophet.

You again! Listen, Gideon. I'm entertaining some guests here.
Can you call back la...

Everything is a crisis for you, Gideon. Can't you...

There's an echo on the phone. Where are you calling from?

You're threshing wheat in a wine press. (aside) I guess that's
better than crushing grapes on a threshing floor.

I give up, Gideon. WHO is there with you?

An angel of the Lord. How do you know he's an angel of the Lord?

Dressed in pure white. Just appeared from nowhere. Well, it sure
sounds like an angel of the Lord.

He said that?! He used those exact words? I WILL BE WITH YOU?
Gideon, that's not AN angel of the Lord. That's THE angel of the
Lord! That's the great I AM, the creator of the universe!

What do you do now? You offer him a sacrifice, of course. Go
fetch a flawless lamb and an EPHAH of flour.

How much is a EPHAH? Enough to make a loaf of bread, you
numskull!

Well if you don't know how much that is, send your servants for
them. (aside) I'm sorry folks, I'll be off the phone in just a
second...

You've got the lamb and the flour? Good. What do you do with
them? You slaughter the lamb and offer it to the Lord along with
the loaf of...

What do you mean you don't have the heart to kill a defenseless
animal? Well, have your servant kill it, then!

On the contrary, Gideon. The Lord does indeed have the right to
ask you to sacrifice an innocent animal. It's the only way you
can atone for being such a wimp!

Just do it. If he's really the Lord he'll send fire and burn up
the sacrifice. I'll wait. Listen, folks, I'm sorry for the
interruption, this Gideon is just a little... excuse me...

Oh, big surprise, Gideon. The lamb and the bread burned up! Now
are you satisfied? Now you know he is who he said he is. Now,
he's probably going to ask you to do something for him. Make
sure you do everything he asks. I have to get back to my dinner
guests...

He's asking you to tear down the pagan altars and the asher
poles? That sounds easy. Do it. I have to go now.....

(imitates) "They'll get mad at me." Then have your servants do
it. Just do it!

Yes, I'll hold on while you do it. No, I won't hang up (aside)
How many Gideon's does it take to screw in a light bulb. Just
one, but only if it wouldn't hurt the light bulb's feelings.

It's done? Good. I have dinner guests who are just waiting...

Now, he wants you to sacrifice a bull and burn it up with the
wood from the asher pole? That sounds perfectly logical to me.
Call me tomorrow and let me know...

(patronizing) Oh, no Gideon, you don't have to put another
defenseless animal through all that pain and suffering. It's
just the future of the nation Israel at stake, that's all, you
pencil-neck geek! Make the sacrifice! (aside) This is the way
the Lord strengthens my patience.

It's done? Good. My guests are...

Excuse me? The villagers are coming to string you up? Don't
worry about the mob, Gideon. The Lord is with you. What can man
do to you?

The mob turned back. See, Gideon? What'd I tell you? Have a nice
day....

The Angel of the Lord called you what? MIGHTY WARRIOR? (aside) I
thought the Lord was a better judge of character than...

...wants you to lead the army against the Midianites? Fine. Then
lead them. (Aside) This is just like the Lord! He chose the
wimpiest guy from the wimpiest tribe in Israel. Well, I hope
he's having a big laugh up there.

Gideon, if THE angel of the Lord said it, the men will follow
your leadership. Don't worry about...

What more proof do you need, Gideon? He just burned up a
sacrifice before your very eyes and turned back an angry mob.

A fleece? Gideon, don't you dare test the Lord like that...
Gideon? Gideon! (aside) I'll be just another moment, folks. I'd
like you to sample some of my wife's delicious...

Oh, the fleece got drenched and the threshing floor is bone dry.
Then that should be all the proof you need. Now will you lead
the troops into...

Don't you dare put the Lord to another test, Gideon! Gideon. I'm
going to wring his skinny little neck. (aside) I'll be just
another moment here, folks and then we'll....

What a surprise, Gideon! The floor is soaking wet and the fleece
is bone dry, just like you wanted. Now, will you...

Gideon, if you delay one second longer, I'm going to come over
there and tear off your head and spit down your neck!

Good, how many troops do you have?

32,000. Good. The Midianites are camped in the valley near
Jezreel. Get moving.

Well, if the Lord, says you have too many soldiers, send some
home.

Because the Lord said to send them home, you pinhead!

10,000 remaining. That's better.

Well, if the Lord said take them down to the river and make them
drink, that's what you should do.

Why? Well, I think it's a test. He obviously thinks you still
have too many soldiers.

Too many soldiers. That's right.

Gideon, he's the Lord God almighty, Gideon. He doesn't need ANY
soldiers.

They'll all drink a different way. How are they drinking?

...and only 300 are drinking by dipping their hand and drinking
from it? Good. Then, the Lord only wants you to go into battle
with 300 men. Send the rest home.

That's right. 300 is all you'll need. If you leave now, you can
get there by nightfall. The Lord will probably have you attack
the Midianites at night.

Gideon. Gideon, will you stop crying. Your soldiers will hear
you....

Gideon, you can win the battle with three hundred soldiers. I
don't know how, but I'm sure you can...

I know there are a quarter million Midianites out there, Gideon.
But be of good cheer, the Lord is with you. Stop crying. (aside)
He's a basket case. Those 300 soldiers don't stand a chance.
They're as good as buzzard food.

Huh? You want to call me when you get to Jezreel? (make static
noise with mouth into phone) I'm having trouble with my phone.
You may not be able to get through anymore. Good luck.

(phone click)

(fading) Okay, I'm sorry to keep you waiting folks. Let's all
step into the dining room for a taste of my wife's world
renowned blintzes.


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