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DITCHES  5'3m0f Three kings find badly needed water in ditches

JORAM -------- Oh, this was brilliant, King Jehoshaphat. Simply 
brilliant.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- I don't want to hear anymore of your complaining, 
King Joram. Both you and the King of Edom agreed that the best 
way to attack the Moabites is from the back side. You knew that 
meant marching through the desert. You knew it would be hot out 
here.

JORAM -------- But I didn't know we'd run out of water. 
(imitating) "Everything will be just fine", you said. "The Lord 
will deliver the Moabites into our hands" you said.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- And He will too. If you'll have faith.

JORAM -------- I tell you what, if we don't die of thirst out 
here, I'll have faith. Now, what are we going to do about water?

JEHOSHAPHAT -- We'll do what I always do. We'll inquire of the 
Lord.

JORAM -------- Right. And where are we going to find a prophet 
of God way out here in the desert?

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Elisha came along with us.

JORAM -------- No, no. I said a prophet of God, not a prophet's 
lacky. Elisha was nothing more than Elijah's footman. You think 
I'm going to trust my life to a footman?

JEHOSHAPHAT -- You got a better idea?

JORAM -------- Alright, bring him in.

ELISHA ------ (kermit the frog) Humdy dum, humdy dum de dum. 
Hiya fellers! Hiya, hiya.

JORAM -------- Oh, brother, he's so stupid he doesn't even know 
enough to bow to a king.

ELISHA ------ So, what can I help you with, fellers?

JORAM -------- You're a prophet. You tell us what we need.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, please, he's our only hope. Elisha, we 
want you to help us find water.

ELISHA ------ Yuk, yuk, that's easy. It's right under your 
nose. Yuk, yuk.

JORAM -------- Look at him he's pointing at the sand. He doesn't 
even know the difference between sand and water? Here, let me 
cut his heart out and feed it to the buzzards.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Now, Joram!

JORAM -------- Let me at him!

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, please, let's be calm. Elisha, please, 
can you be more specific? Can you tell us exactly where we'll 
find water?

ELISHA ------ Yuk, yuk, all you have to do is dig a little 
ditch. Here, let me mark the ditch with my heel. You just dig... 
(fading) a little ditch... from here... toooo... here.

JORAM -------- A ditch. He wants us to dig a ditch. The water is 
at least 50 or 60 feet below the ground level here and HE wants 
us to dig a ditch. Let me just cut off his ear. The guy is a 
moron.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, control yourself! Elisha, can you tell us 
how deep the ditch needs to be?

Elisha ------ Yuk, yuk, it don't matter. Just dig a ditch.

JORAM -------- That's it. He's buzzard bate. Let me at him.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, please. What do we have to lose by digging 
a ditch?

JORAM -------- Alright. I'll have my men dig. But there'd better 
be water, or the jackals will have Elisha's liver for 
breakfast. (aloud) Alright, men, dig a ditch along this heel 
mark here, just two or three feet deep. Right Elisha?

ELISHA ------ Ayup, yup, that oughta about do it.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Alright, men, start digging.

(music cue - "Vulga Boatman")

JORAM -------- Alright, where's that idiot, Elisha? There's no 
water here either. (shouts) Elisha?! Where are you?!

ELISHA ------ Hey, I'm right behind you, there, good buddy.

JORAM -------- (Small scream, shouts) Don't you ever sneak up on 
me like that or I'll... No, on second thought, I'll skin you 
alive anyway.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Elisha, why don't you stand over here by me? 
What King Joram is trying to say is that we've dug at least 100 
ditches all over this valley and we still haven't found any 
water. Is it possible that you've misinterpreted the Lord's 
instructions?

ELISHA ------ Nope! The water will be there in the morning. 
(yawns, fading) Good night, everybody.

JORAM -------- Just a minute. Just where do you think you're 
going?

ELISHA ------ I'm tired. I wanna go to bed.

JORAM -------- Did you here that? My men and I have been digging 
empty ditches all afternoon and now HE's tired. That's it, I'm 
going to kill him.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, please.

JORAM -------- Let me at him. I'll cut him up into pieces that 
even his mother won't recognize.
                                            
JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, no. There must be a logical explanation 
for this. So, Elisha, tell us, what's the significance of your 
going to bed now. Will the Lord give you further instructions in 
your dreams?

ELISHA ------ No, I just miss my little teddy bear.

JORAM -------- (growls)

(music cue - "Rockaby Baby")

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, come quickly.

JORAM -------- (grunts, mumbles) Huh?

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Joram, wake up.

JORAM -------- Huh? Is it morning already? Boy, am I thirsty.

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Well, have a drink.

JORAM -------- A drink?! Where?!

JEHOSHAPHAT -- Look.

JORAM -------- The ditches! The ditches are all filled with 
water. Well, I'll be! (slurp, slurp) It IS water! (slurp, slurp) 
Well, I'll be! (slurp, slurp) Where's that Elisha, anyway?

JEHOSHAPHAT -- He's right there, in the next ditch.

ELISHA ------ (squeak, squeak, sings) Rubber ducky, you're the 
one. You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber ducky, you're my 
very best friend it's true.


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