CHARIOT  4'2m0f Elijah's chariot of fire is in for repairs

(phone beeps, ring)

ELIJAH - (phone distortion) Hello.

DAVE --- Hello, may I speak to the prophet, please. 

ELIJAH - Well, there two prophets in this house. Elijah and 
Elisha. Which did you wish to speak to?

DAVE --- The one with the chariot of fire.

ELIJAH - That would be me. I'm Elijah. And who am I speaking to?

DAVE --- This is Dave, down at the garage.

ELIJAH - Oh, yes, Dave, is my chariot of fire ready?

DAVE --- Well, actually, no, that's what I wanted to talk to you 

ELIJAH - It's not ready? But, we're already in second Kings 
chapter two. I have to be out of here by verse eleven.

DAVE --- Yeah, well, the chariot itself is ready to go. I just 
had to clean the gas nozzles and adjusted the burners. That baby 
will take you out in a blaze of glory.

ELIJAH - Well, that's all I need. 

DAVE --- No, the specs call for a whirlwind. But the turbos on 
your whirlwind booster are only operating at 54% of efficiency. 
Verse twelve says the whirlwind has to powerful enough to tear 
the clothes off the other guy.

ELIJAH - Elisha.

DAVE --- Gasundheit.

ELIJAH - No, that's his name. Elisha is the other guy, the who 
tears his clothes.

DAVE --- Yeah, the other guy. Anyways, you ain't got enough 
whirlwind in that turbo to tear a kleanex.

ELIJAH - No, you don't understand. Elisha is supposed to tear 
his own clothes, as a symbol of mourning.

DAVE --- I thought this was supposed to happen this afternoon. 
Nobody said nothin' about having it ready this morning.

ELIJAH - No. No. I don't need the chariot of fire until this 
afternoon. It's Elisha who will do the mourning.

DAVE --- Wait a minute. Elisha's going to use the chariot in the 
morning, too? That turbo needs a complete overhaul before it 
can make another trip.

ELIJAH - No, no. Forget it. Elisha will not be using the firey 
chariot at all. Just have it ready for me by this afternoon.

DAVE --- I can't.

ELIJAH - You can't? But you said....

DAVE --- I said that the chariot of fire would be ready, such as 
it is. I didn't say nothin' about the firey horses.

ELIJAH - What's the matter with the horses? Are they sick? 
Injured? What?

DAVE --- Oh, the horses are fine. They're eating me out of house 
and stable.

ELIJAH - Then, what's the problem?

DAVE --- Two problems, actually.

ELIJAH - Alright, so what are the two problems?

DAVE --- First, fuel injectors for the horses' burners are shot. 
They didn't pass the smog test. They need some new pumps, seal 
and filters....

ELIJAH - Alright, just tell me how much.

DAVE --- These are not your average injectors. Not many horses 
have flame throwers....

ELIJAH - How much?

DAVE --- 257 shekels.

ELIJAH - I'm only going to be on the chariot a few seconds....

DAVE --- Suit yourself. No injectors, no flame. Your chariot 
goes out in a blaze of glory but your horses just sit there and 
smoke. Not a very good witness.

ELIJAH - Alright! Alright! Put on the injectors. Just have it 
done by this afternoon. Now, what about the second problem?

DAVE --- It's the flame-proof saddle blankets, you know, to 
prevent the horses from getting scorched. The E.P.A. says they 
contain asbestos. They say "Those horses ain't leavin' the 
stable with asbestos on their loins."

ELIJAH - Oh, dear.

DAVE --- Now, your standard fiberglass blanket linings are 322 
shekels. But, for just 89 shekels more, I can get you some 
deluxe organic linings, which give much better mileage.

ELIJAH - What mileage? I'm only going a few miles straight up. 
The fiberglass will do just fine. Can I have it by this 

DAVE --- Sure. But listen, while I've got it up on the rack, you 
might want me to put on some new wheels. Magnesium alloy 
chariots wheels are on special this week. 

(click, buzz)


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