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CALEB    4'3m0f The scouting party reports on the promised land

(all cowboy accents)

(approaching horse hoof beats)

GEEZER -- (old, shouts) Here they come! The rest of the scoutin' 
party is back from the promised land. Hey, Slim, Joshua and 
Caleb is back. They ain't dead after all.

(hoof beats stop)

CALEB --- (John Wayne, afar) Ho, boy, ho! Well, howdy, Geezer.

GEEZER -- We thought youins was dead, Caleb. Slim and the other 
ten scouts we sent to the promised land has been back for weeks. 
But you and Joshua was gone fer 40 days. Where you been, Caleb? 

CALEB --- I'm atellin' ya, pilgrim, it's a land flowin' with 
milk and honey. Looky here at the big bunches of grapes and 
pomegrantes and figs I took from there. There's food for 
everbody. No more manna from Heaven. (fading) So, mount up. 
Let's ride into the sunset. 

SLIM ---- (approaching) Not so fast there, Caleb. They was 12 of 
us in that scoutin' party.  And most of us didn't see it the 
same way as you.

CALEB --- (approaching) What do you mean by that, Slim?

SLIM ---- I mean there's some mean hombres in them thar hills. 
You got your Amalekite tribe, your Hittite tribe, your Jebusite 
tribe, and your Amorite tribe. They'd all just as soon put an 
arrow in you as look at you. But that ain't the worst of 'em. 
The Nephilim tribe is not only mean, they's big. They made us 
feel like we was knee high to a grasshopper.

GEEZER -- How come you didn't mention no savages, Caleb?

CALEB --- Cause the Lord is on our side. Fellers, I gotta tell 
ya, if God is for us, who can be against us. So, what do ya say, 
pilgrims, (fading) let's mount up and head west! (shouts) 
Eeehah! 

GEEZER -- Case you ain't noticed, Caleb. Ain't nobody mountin' 
up and headin' west, 'cept you and Joshua.

CALEB --- (approaching) Come on, pilgrims, you ain't asceered 'o 
no pagan savages are ye?

SLIM AND GEEZER -- Yup.

CALEB --- Come on, Pilgrims, we got God on our side. What are 
you afraid of?

GEEZER -- Arrows.

SLIM ---- Spears.

GEEZER -- Yup, I think that about summarizes it: arrows and 
spears.

CALEB --- Ah, shucks, pilgrims, after what the Lord done to get 
us out of Egypt and all, you ain't chickenin' out now, are ya?

SLIM AND GEEZER -- Yup.

SLIM ---- We was thinkin' that maybe this weren't such a good 
idee, leavin' Egypt. We was thinkin' maybe we should turn back.

CALEB --- Who's this WE, yer talkin' 'bout, Slim? Me an' Joshua 
ain't even considerin' turnin' tail now. The promised land is as 
good as ours.

GEEZER -- I ain't so sure 'bout that, Caleb, what with them 
pagan polecats occupyin' the land an' all.

CALEB --- Well, I'll be... I never expected this. Well, I think 
I'll show this basket of fruit to Moses and see what he says.

SLIM ---- Lemme have a taste of one of them pomegrantes there, 
Caleb. 

CALEB --- Sure, slim. There's plenty more where that came from. 

SLIM ---- You can save your sales pitch, Caleb. 

(takes a bite)

While you're tellin' Moses about the land flowin' with milk and 
honey, you might also want to tell him that me and the other ten 
scouts was thinkin', that maybe we was gonna elect a new leader 
for this here wagon train and head on back to Egypt. 

(takes a bite)

CALEB --- (fading) Oh, oh. Take cover Geezer. 

(feet shuffle)

GEEZER -- (fading) How come we're duckin' and taking cover, 
Caleb? Ain't no savages on this side of the Jordan river.

CALEB --- (afar) I ain't worried 'bout the savages. I'm worried 
about the Lord God Amighty.

GEEZER -- (afar) Why you worried 'bout the Lord, son. He's on 
our side.

CALEB --- (afar) Slim an' his sidekicks is talkin' 'bout 
bushwackin' Moses, who is God's annointed leader. An' when ya do 
that, yer gonna git yourself drygulched by the Lord. An' I don't 
wanna git caught in the crossfire.

SLIM ---- What'er you yammerin' about, Caleb. The Lord ain't 
gonna drygulch no... (coughs, chokes) ungf!

(thud)

GEEZER -- (approaching) He's dead, Caleb. Slim is dead. Them 
pomegrantes musta been mighty powerful.

CALEB --- (approaching) That weren't no pomegrante, Geezer. That 
was the Lord God Amighty what done that . Anybody else thinkin' 
bout electin' another leader?

GEEZER -- Uh uh! No, not me! No way, Jose! Like you said, I'm 
mountin' up and headin' west.

CALEB --- It's too late for that, Geezer. Ya might as well 
circle the wagons, pilgrim.

GEEZER -- How come?

CALEB --- Slim and his friends made the Lord hoppin' mad. An now 
we'll all be awandrin' out here in the desert until everbody but 
the younguns has kicked the bucket.

Well, let's go show this fruit to Moses and tell him 
what he'll be missin'. (fading) You want some fruit Geezer?

GEEZER -- (fading) Thanks, Caleb, but if it's all the same to 
you, someone else can have the pomegrantes.


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