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WORMS    4'2m0f Herod pretends to be God and is eaten by worms

HEROD -- (aloud) Ladies and gentlemen of Judea, thank you for 
coming to hear me speak today.

GEEVES - (English butler, nasal) Excuse me, King Herod.

HEROD -- Not now Geeves, can't you see I'm giving a speech?

GEEVES - Yes, sir, but you needn't thank them for being here.

HEROD -- Why not?

GEEVES - You threatened to cut off their heads if they didn't 
show up.

HEROD -- Oh. Yes, well, (aloud) Ladies and Gentlemen, I just 
want you to know that I am not only your king, but also your 
God.

GEEVES - Excuse me, your majesty...

HEROD -- Put a sock in it, Geeves.

GEEVES - Please, your majesty. I believe you're making a 
big mistake.

HEROD -- You're not my mother, Geeves, you are my cup bearer. 
And if you persist in interrupting my speech you will be buzzard 
bait. Do I make myself clear?

GEEVES - I realize that my life is in peril for interrupting 
you, your majesty, but I fear I must.

HEROD -- (sigh) Alright, Geeves, what is it now?

GEEVES - You have a right to claim to be the king of Judea, your 
majesty, because the Romans made you king. Noone disputes that. 
And a good king you are, I might add.

HEROD -- Can the apple polishing, Geeves. Cut to the chase.

GEEVES - You are an Edomite, your majesty. And claiming to be 
God in Edom is not a big deal. Edom has as God for all 
occasions. But this is Judea.... well, these are Jews.

HEROD -- Yeah, so?

GEEVES - So, the God of the Jews is Yahweh, the Lord God 
almighty, maker of heaven and earth. He is not a God to be 
trifled with, your majesty.

HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. What's the worst that could happen?

GEEVES - Two Jews named Ananias and Sapphira merely lied to the 
God of Judea and they died on the spot. I fear for your life,
your majesty.

HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. I come from a long line of Herod's 
who claimed to be gods. Nothing happened to them. So buzz off.

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty.

HEROD -- Why are you holding your ears, Geeves?

GEEVES - Huh?

HEROD -- (shouts) I said, why are you holding your ears?

GEEVES - I'm waiting for the lightning to strike, your majesty.

HEROD -- Pish posh, Geeves. Nothing happens in Judea without my 
permission. Knock it off.

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty.

HEROD -- (aloud) As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, I am not 
only your king, I am also your God, so I expect you to ... 
(aside) Geeves?

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty?

HEROD -- There's something wiggling on my toes and up my legs. I 
can't see it because I'm wearing my big purple robe. Can you see 
what it is?

GEEVES - Yes, your majesty.

HEROD -- (impatient) Well, what is it?

GEEVES - (afar) Worms, your majesty.

HEROD -- Did you say worms?

GEEVES - (afar) Yes, your majesty. Worms.

HEROD -- What are they doing on my feet and legs, Geeves?

GEEVES - (afar) Eating, your majesty.

HEROD -- Well, what are they eating, Geeves?

GEEVES - (afar) Your majesty, your majesty.

HEROD -- (panicked) They're eating me?

GEEVES - (calmly) Yes, your majesty. The worms are consuming 
your flesh.

HEROD -- Well, don't just sit there. Do something!

GEEVES - (afar) Yes, your majesty.

HEROD -- Where are you going? Get them off me!

GEEVES - (afar) Oh, I couldn't do that, your majesty. When I go 
fishing, I get someone else to bait my hook.

(crunching sounds)

HEROD -- The worms are on my face, Geeves! Do something!

GEEVES - (afar) I'm doing something, your majesty. I'm leaving.

HEROD -- (distorted) Geeves, I'm dying here. Where are you 
going?

GEEVES - (afar) To find someone to bait my hook, your majesty.


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