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WATCHFUL 5'2m0f The parable of the watchful homeowner

ED --   And now, sit down, put your feet up, relax and listen to 
another edition of... Parables on Parade. Tonight's parable 
comes from Luke chapter 12 beginning at verse 39.

But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what  
hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be 
broken into. You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will 
come at an hour when you do not expect him.

(drill noise)

What are you doing?

FRED -- Who me?

ED --   Is there anyone else in the studio?

FRED -- Oh, yeah. Well, I'm getting ready.

ED --   Ready? Ready for what?

FRED -- For the thief in the night. That parable has me really 
scared.

ED --   Scared? Scared about what?

FRED -- Getting broken into. 

ED --   So, that explains why you're installing a bucket over 
the door?

FRED -- This is not just a bucket. It's burglar protection. See 
I can only watch over the studio 16 hours a day. The other 8 
hours I need to sleep. I can't be here while I'm sleeping, ergo, 
we need burglar protection.

ED --   Okay, so assuming that I understand that you need 
burglar protection, why the bucket?

FRED -- Well, I don't have much money to fortify this place, so 
I'm protecting this studio with pure ingenuity.

ED --   Why am I not comforted by your shear ingenuity?

FRED -- The world is full of skeptics, but it is nearly devoid 
of geniouses like me. I assure you that when I get through, this 
studio will be impenetrable to burglars. Now where can I find a 
power cord?

ED --   A power cord, for what?

FRED -- (afar) Oh, yes, this one will do.

ED --   You're not going to cut the power cord off my desk lamp? 
How am I going to read my scripts. Wait a minute. You'd better 
unplug it....

FRED -- (snip, zzzzzz) Ughughughughughughugh. Turururn iyiyiyit 
owowowowoff!

ED --   (click) There. Are you alright?

FRED -- Never better. Now if I can just get my body to stop 
twitching... 

ED --   You've ruined a perfectly good lamp!

FRED -- Yes, and I thank you for your contribution to security. 
Now, I attach the loose ends of these wires to the door knob. 
And, when the burglar tries to open the door, well you know...

ED --   Yes. We've already seen how effective electric shock can 
be.

FRED -- Now we put this bucket of water up here over the door. 
So, just in case the burglar gets by the door knob, this trip 
wire will pull five gallons of water down on his head.

ED --   Is all this really necessary? We could...

FRED -- Please, I'm not finished. Then, in case just the burglar 
is not scared off by the water, he will undoubtedly try to steal 
our expensive microphones or our expensive rack of sound 
components.

ED --   There's no way I can't talk you out...

FRED -- Well, if he does, look what I have waiting for him. 
Attached to my microphone is a trip wire that releases five 
gallons of tar, then a bushel of feathers from the ceiling panel 
above.

ED --   Won't that ruin our microphones? 

FRED -- It's the principle of the thing. Would you like me to 
booby-trap your microphone too?

ED --   No, thanks.

FRED -- But wait. There's more! If the burglar goes for the rack 
of sound components...

ED --   Wo to him, huh?

FRED -- You bet. This innocent looking amplifier on top of the 
stack of components is no amplifier at all. It's a flame 
thrower. That'll fry his grits!

ED --   And, of course, you're not worried about what a flame 
thrower will do to all this sound equipment?

FRED -- Casualties of the war on crime, my boy.

ED --   Just one question.

FRED -- Fire away.

ED --   How are WE supposed to get into the studio after you've 
booby trapped it?

FRED -- You take me for a fool?

ED --   Well, actually...

FRED -- ...It was a rhetorical question. Naturally, I have 
thought of that. I will now activate all these ingenious booby 
traps and then demonstrate the entry procedure. Watch carefully.

ED --   If you don't mind, I'll just take my microphone and step 
outside to watch the demonstration.

FRED -- Don't you want to see how I deactivate everything?

ED --   I prefer to remember you just the way you are now.

FRED -- Suit yourself, after you. 

ED --   Thank you. Alright, we're both outside the studio. You 
may proceed.

FRED -- I have already activated the other booby traps inside 
the studio. I now activate the final two booby traps... like... 
that... and... that... (door close) Voila! All booby traps are 
now armed and ready to stop even the most stealthy burglar in 
his tracks.

ED --   And now, the ultimate test.

FRED -- We safely reenter the studio. (door open, zzzzzzzzzz) 
ogogogogogogogo! (splash, inaudible mumbling, door close) (afar) 
Aaaaaah! (crash) Ooooo! (crash) Uuuuu. (shuffle) Ooooh! (roar) 
Aaaaaaa!

ED --   Tune in next time for the next edition of Parable on 
Parade.

FRED -- (open door, exhausted, afar) Okay, all the booby traps 
are disarmed. You can come in now.

ED --   (afar) Wouldn't it have been easier to just lock the 
door?

FRED -- (afar) There's a lock in the door? Well, I'll be...


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