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TEMPTED  5'2m0f The devil tempts Jesus

SATAN -- Lucifer, tell our listeners about our next contestant. 

(upbeat music)

Right you are, Satan. Our next contestant is a carpenter from 
Nazareth in Galilee. And he could possibly be the messiah that 
the nation of Israel has been waiting for. Please welcome Jesus 
of Nazareth.

(applause)

JESUS -- Save the sound effects, dirt bag.

SATAN -- Hey, hey, do I detect a little hostility in your voice 
big guy?

JESUS -- A little hostility? If it wasn't for you, Satan, there 
wouldn't be any sin on earth.

SATAN -- Well, a little variety is the spice of life, ole buddy.

JESUS -- Don't buddy me, you scum bucket.

SATAN -- Is that any way to treat the only person who's in a 
position to help you, big guy?

JESUS -- Right. I'm sure you really want to help me.

SATAN -- Well, suit yourself. You're the one who has been in the 
desert for 40 days. I don't suppose you're hungry, are you?

JESUS -- You know I haven't had anything to eat. What are you 
driving at?

SATAN -- Lucifer, tell Jesus what's behind door number one. 
Right you are Satan. IT'S A LOAF OF BREAD!

(applause, upbeat music)

Savor the fragrance of a loaf fresh-baked bread, hot out of the 
oven. Deliciously tender inside and flavorfully crusty outside.
This loaf of bread can be yours if the price is right.

JESUS -- Very funny.

SATAN -- (feigned innocence) What?

JESUS -- You know very well that's no loaf of bread.

SATAN -- (insincere) Oh, really?

JESUS -- I may be hungry but I'm not stupid. I can tell a loaf 
of bread from a rock.

SATAN -- Isn't that just like you, Jesus. I say the glass is 
half full. You say the glass is half empty. 

JESUS -- Get lost.

SATAN -- Well, surely the son of God who created the universe 
with single command wouldn't have any trouble turning this itty 
bitty rock into a loaf of hot, crusty bread.

JESUS -- If you think I'm going to do a miracle to impress you, 
think again.

SATAN -- Hey, it's up to you. Do you want door number one or 
not?

JESUS -- Man does not live by bread alone.

SATAN -- I hate it when you quote scripture. Alright, Lucifer, 
tell our contestant what's behind door number two. IT'S A TRIP 
TO OUTER SPACE!

(applause, high tech whoosh, upbeat music)

From this vantage point you can see the snow covered north and 
south poles, the sands and jungles of Africa and India and even 
the far-off kingdoms of China and Australia. All this can be 
yours if the price is right.

JESUS -- It already belongs to me.

SATAN -- Oh contrare, mon frare. I am the prince of the power 
of the air. And my job is to make life miserable for your people 
until the millennium, remember? Now, I know how much you love 
your people and you would NEVER allow them to suffer if you can 
help it. And I am a reasonable man. 

JESUS -- Right.

SATAN -- Hey, would I lie to you?

JESUS -- Let me put it this way. I can tell when you're lying.

SATAN -- How.

JESUS -- Whenever you move your lips.

SATAN -- (laughs cautiously) Oh, I know what you're doing. 
You're just trying to gain the upper hand in the negotiations. 
But, I am undaunted. I know how much you love your people. And I 
know you want to spare them 2000 years of suffering if you can. 
And you can..., if the price is right.

JESUS -- How much?

SATAN -- Just worship me. What could be simpler?

JESUS -- It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him 
only.'

SATAN -- See, there you go again, quoting scripture. I asked you 
not to do that. Lucifer, tell our contestant what's behind door 
number three. IT'S A TRIP TO JERUSALEM! 

(applause, high tech whoosh, upbeat music)

Yes, this all expenses paid trip culminates in a tour of the 
temple, PLUS you get to go where no ordinary man is allowed to 
go. Up on the roof of the temple!

JESUS -- Big deal.

SATAN -- Aren't you going to ask why I brought you up to the 
roof of the temple?

JESUS -- I'm sure you'll tell me.

SATAN -- Lucifer, tell our contestant what our contestant will 
win if the price is right. HE'LL WIN THE PRAISE AND ACCLAIM FROM 
THE WORSHIPERS IN THE COURT YARD BELOW! EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT 
JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT!

JESUS -- Alright, I'll bite. What's the price?

SATAN -- Jump.

JESUS -- Jump? That's it?

SATAN -- For it is written: "He will command his angels 
concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in 
their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a 
stone."    

JESUS -- Jeepers, he quotes scripture.

SATAN -- Thank you. I memorized that just for this occasion. Well? 

JESUS -- Well what?

SATAN -- Are you going to jump and let everyone down below see 
if you pass the test?

JESUS -- It is written 'Do not put the Lord your God to the 
test.'

SATAN -- I hate it when you do that!

JESUS -- So, is there a door number four?

(upbeat music to end of sketch)

SATAN -- THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR NOW, BYE BYE.

JESUS -- Where are you going?

SATAN -- (echos) TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN YOU SEE JESUS OF 
NAZARETH IN THE GARDEN OF GETHSEMANE, SWEATING BLOOD. Bye, bye. 
(laughs fiendishly, fading)


2013 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:
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