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SAMSPADE 7'1m3f Private-I looks for Jesus' missing body

(knock, knock, knock, pause, knock, knock, knock, door open, 
close, footsteps)

SAM -- (snores) 

MARY - (clears throat, pause) Hey. Hey, wake up.

SAM -- Huh? The check is in the mail. Huh? Oh. Hey, listen I can 
explain this. I... I, ah... I was up late last night... 
following an important lead. Yeah, that's it. I was following a 
lead.

MARY - I'm sure. Is your name Sam Spade?

SAM -- It depends. Are you from a collection agency?

MARY - Of course not.

SAM -- In that case, yes, I'm Sam Spade. What can I help you 
with, Doll?

MARY - (breaks into tears) He's gone! He just disappeared!

SAM --  (aside) This doll was a real looker, built like a brick 
ship yard. She had more curves than a mountain road and a face 
that would launch a thousand fantasies. But, she had PROSTITUTE 
written all over her. I got no time for low-lifes. So, I figured 
I'd look interested for a little while, and then just give her 
the brush off.

Alright, doll, slow down a little. What's your name?

MARY -- Mary. Mary Magdalene.

SAM --  You got a missing person you want me to track down?

MARY -- Yes, please help me. (Cries)

SAM --  (aside) Hit me over the head with a beer bottle or 
pistol whip me, but don't come near me with a woman's tears. I'm 
a sucker for a woman's tears. What the heck. Business was a 
little slow, I could use the dough. I decided to bend my 
standards a little.

Alright, doll, I'll find your missing person for you. I get 75 
bucks a day plus expenses. You got the dough?

MARY --  Yeah, sure, anything. Just find him!

SAM --  When did you last see him?

MARY --  On Friday, just before dark. 

SAM --  Did he say anything?

MARY -- He said IT IS FINISHED and then he died.

SAM --  He died?! You mean you want me to look for a dead man?

MARY -- Yes.

SAM --  (aside) I knew I should have given this dame the brush 
off.

Look, lady, I'm a very busy man. Try the city morgue.

MARY -- No, you don't understand. I'm sure they've moved the 
body. You must find it!

SAM --  They? Who's they?

MARY -- The Pharisees. They're the ones who had him killed.

SAM --  Right. You want me to get involved with an 
assassination?!

MARY -- No, it's not what you think. Just find the body.

SAM --  No.

MARY --  I'll double your fee.

SAM --  $400 cash in advance.

MARY -- There's $500 in this envelope.

SAM --  (aside) Listen, folks, I know what you're thinking. But 
in this economy a private I has to be flexible.

Okay, lady, where did you last see the body?

MARY -- At the tomb of Joseph of Arimathea.

SAM --  Doll face, your corps is as good as found.

(door close)

(aside) I went to the tomb. 

(footsteps, echo)

(aside) The stone was rolled away and the burial cloths were 
lying in a heap on the floor. No clues there. So, I went to the 
hall of records. 

(footsteps, door open)

(aside) The clerk there was one of those tightly wrapped 
librarian types with glasses. I sized her up and figured her to 
be one of those typical hardnosed bureaucrats.  If figured I'd 
have to grease the skids with a little bribe.

TAMI -- (sultry) Hi ya, Handsome.

SAM --  Ah, hi.

TAMI -- What can I help you with, good lookin'?

SAM --  Need the lowdown on a Jesus of Nazareth.

TAMI -- Your timing is amazing, slick, the Pharisees just made an 
inquiry about him. I was just about to refile it. I've got the 
file right here.

SAM --  (aside) I know what you're thinking, folks. So sometimes 
a even darn good private I makes a mistake sizing people up. It 
was the glasses. I stuffed the $20 bill back in my pocket.

So, what ya got for me, Doll?

TAMI -- Born in Bethlehem, mother's name Mary, father listed 
as the Holy Spirit.

SAM --  The Holy Spirit?!

TAMI -- That's what it says on the birth certificate. Mother 
claims the child is God incarnate.

SAM --  No!

TAMI -- I don't write 'em, slick, I just file 'em.

SAM --  What else you got?

TAMI -- Several certificates from the temple authenticating his 
miracles. 

SAM --  Miracles?

TAMI -- Yeah, the usual: Blind man sees, lame man walks, leper 
cured, the usual.

SAM --  The usual?!

TAMI -- Of course, the usual. Everybody in Judea knows about the 
miracles of the messiah.

SAM --  Messiah?!

TAMI -- Is there an echo in here?

SAM --  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

TAMI -- I get off at five. How about dinner.

SAM --  So, it was common knowledge that this guy... this guy...

TAMI -- Jesus.

SAM --   ...that this guy, Jesus, was the Messiah?

TAMI -- Common Knowledge. I was one of eight or ten thousand 
people who Jesus fed with five small loaves of bread and two 
fish. Word of that kind of stuff spreads fast. 

It was a shame the way they railroaded him and killed him, huh?

SAM --  Yeah.

TAMI -- So, why are you and the Pharisees interested in him?

SAM --  The body disappeared.

TAMI -- (Ecstatic) Alright! Let me buy dinner!

SAM --  Huh?

TAMI -- To celebrate.

SAM --  Celebrate? Celebrate what? A body snatching?

TAMI -- It's a little hard to explain. You might not understand. 
(softly) I'll explain it over dinner. (fading) See you at five!

(door close)

SAM --  (aside) This was not your average bureaucrat. And this 
Jesus guy was definitely not your average carpenter. I figured 
he must have owed those Pharisees a lot of dough to get himself 
whacked and then have his body deep sixed.

(door open, footsteps)

I went to Pharisee head quarters. But the only one who would 
talk to me was the receptionist. This blond bimbo was obviously 
a pushover, so I just sidled up to her and slide my arm around 
her waist.

Hi ya, pretty mama.

MARG -- I'm not your mother!

(slap)

SAM --  Uoof!

MARG -- What do you want?

SAM --  (aside) I know what you're thinking, folks, but sizing 
people up is an art, not a science. I pulled out a $20 bill and 
pressed it into her hand.

MARG -- Well! What do you want to know?

SAM --  What did the Pharisees do with the body of Jesus?

MARG -- Shshshsh. Is anybody in the hallway?

SAM --  All clear.

MARG -- (whispers) The Pharisees think the Christians took it.

SAM --  The Pharisees think the Christians did took it?! Why, 
the Christians think the Pharisees took it!

MARG -- Shshshsh. (Whispers) I think he rose from the dead.

(footsteps)

Goodbye.

(door close)

SAM --  That's what I get for my twenty bucks? 

(aside) This day had been full of surprizes. None of it made any 
sense. So, I went back to my office, sat down and put my feet on 
the desk... to sort things out. I was just beginning to 
contemplate the finer points in the case when this dame, Mary
Magdalene, waltzes right in again without knocking. (snores)

(door opens)

MARY -- (clears throat)

SAM --  Huh? The check is in the mail.

MARY -- (clears throat)

SAM --  Huh? Oh, hi. Listen, doll, this ain't what it looks 
like. I solved your missing persons case.

BOTH -- Jesus rose from the dead.

SAM --  Huh?

MARY -- I said, Jesus rose from the dead.

SAM --  But how could you.... Why, I just....

MARY --  I just saw him. He's alive! You can keep the deposit.

(footsteps, door close)

SAM --  (aside) So, that's it, folks. Another case 
professionally solved. Please excuse me now. (yawns) I have 
another case to contemplate. (snores)


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