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FALSE    5'2m0f Is he the messiah or an impostor?

(door open)

HEROD -- Oh, there you are! Down on your knees before me, you 
knave.

FRED --- (painful) Aaaaah! Hey, call off your goons. 

HEROD -- (clap, clap) Guards, leave him. He looks harmless.

FRED --- Harmless?! Who do you think you are, buddy?

HEROD -- I am Herod, King of Judea.

FRED --- Oh. Say, listen, I can explain. The accusations against 
me are completely false. Those people GAVE me the money. Can I 
help it if they wanted to give me money?

HEROD -- So, you don't deny that you are the messiah?

FRED --- Ah, do you know the messiah?

HEROD -- No.

FRED --- Oh, then, I'm the messiah, for sure.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- Yeah, I'm the messiah, alright. I tell ya, when people 
find out that you're the messiah, they just throw money at you.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- So, can I go now?

HEROD -- How do I know that you're the messiah?

FRED --- Are you sure you don't know the messiah?

HEROD -- No. I've never met him. So, how do I know that you are 
who you claim to be?

FRED --- You know John? The baptist guy? 

HEROD -- Yes, I know John the baptist. He's supposed to be 
related to messiah.

FRED --- He is? Oh, yeah, he's my uncle.

HEROD -- Cousin.

FRED --- Cousin. I meant cousin. My cousin told everybody I was 
coming.

HEROD -- But how do I know that you are the one he was talking 
about?

FRED --- Well, look at my sandals.

HEROD -- Your sandals.

FRED --- Yeah. John, the baptist guy, my cousin, said that he 
was not worthy to untie my sandals. Do my sandals look untied?

HEROD -- You can do better than that.

FRED --- Listen, why don't I just give the money back.

HEROD -- Or I could have your head removed like I did to John.

FRED --- You did that?

HEROD -- The messiah has the gift of prophecy. He would know 
that I had John beheaded.

FRED --- I knew that. I was just testing you. As soon as you had 
his head cut off, I knew it.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- I did miracles.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- No, really, I did lots of miracles. I walked on water.

HEROD -- Uh huh.

FRED --- It was on the Dead Sea.

HEROD -- The Sea of Galilee.

FRED --- Did I say the Dead Sea? I meant the Sea of Galilee. 
Piece of cake, walking on water. I also healed people.

HEROD -- Name one.

FRED --- Oh, I don't know. There were do many. Did you hear 
that I made a blind man see?

HEROD -- Yes.

FRED --- Oh. Then, let me tell you about the time I made a deaf 
man hear.

HEROD -- The one in Galilee?

FRED --- Oh. You heard about that too?

HEROD -- Yes. 

FRED --- Then let me tell you about...

HEROD -- No, I want to hear about how you made the deaf man 
hear.

FRED --- I shouted in his ear.

HEROD -- You put your fingers in his ears.

FRED --- You're kidding. With all that ear wax? (clears throat) 
Ah, yeah, I did that one too. But there was another one. This 
one I had to shout at. He was deaf you know. 

HEROD -- There was no other one in Galilee.

FRED --- You're right. Turns this one just wasn't listening. As 
soon as I yelled at him, he started listening.

HEROD -- You also turned water into wine.

FRED --- Oh, yeah, I'll never forget that. That was over in.... 
over in... help me out here...

HEROD -- No.

FRED --- Bethsaida.

HEROD -- Wrong.

FRED --- Jericho.

HEROD -- Canaan.

FRED --- Canaan. At a bar and grill in Canaan.

HEROD -- It was at a wedding.

FRED --- The wedding was at a bar and grill.

HEROD -- You're not the messiah.

FRED --- Oh, yes, I am!

HEROD -- Did you ever raise a man from the dead?

FRED --- Are you kidding? Nobody can do that!... Except the 
messiah and that would be me. Resurrection is my forte.

HEROD -- Where?

FRED --- Where? You want to know where I raised up a dead 
person?

HEROD -- Where? 

FRED --- Let's see it was a long way away from here.

HEROD -- It's only two miles away.

FRED --- Like I said, it was real close. Let's see. What does it 
begin with? Stop me when I get close. A... B... C...

HEROD -- It was in Bethany.

FRED --- Oh, yeah, Bethany. It was so long ago.

HEROD -- Last week.

FRED --- Time flies when you're having fun. Yeah, I'll never 
forget when what's-her-name...

HEROD -- HIS name was Lazarus.

FRED --- Was he a relative of mine?

HEROD -- He was one of your best friends.

FRED --- Oh, THAT Lazarus! Yeah, I'll never forget him. I stood 
next to his grave....

HEROD -- It was a tomb.

FRED --- Like I said, I stood outside his tomb and shouted, 
"Lazarus, come out."

HEROD -- That's exactly what he said!

FRED --- It was?! I mean, what did you expect? I told you I'm 
the messiah.

HEROD -- Then you know what happens now.

FRED --- Oh, sure. (pause) Ah, I know what happens now, but you 
just tell me what you think you think happens now.

HEROD -- The messiah has to pay for the sins of his people...

FRED --- Oh, that! Sure, how much. I happen to have a lot of 
money.

HEROD -- ...with his life.

FRED --- Excuse me?

HEROD -- The messiah has to die for his people. He will be 
flogged until his back looks like a piece of raw meat. Then a 
crown of thorns is pressed into his scalp. Then he is nailed to 
a cross by his hands and feet so that he might die a slow 
agonizing death. 

FRED --- April fool. I'm not the messiah. (laughs nervously)

HEROD -- Guards, take him away.

FRED --- (afar) I was just kidding. Hey, wait a minute. Can't 
you take a joke? Put me down! 

(door close)


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