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COVERUP  6'1m0f Monologue: The great resurrection coverup

(phone rings)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Hi, Harry!

...to congratulate me? Yeah, thanks, Harry. We finally got him, 
yeah.

Yeah, if he was the messiah, Jesus would have called down his 
angels to take him down from the cross. It looks like he was a 
phony, alright.

Yeah, thanks for your good wishes, Harry. Bye.

(click, phone rings)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Oh, hi, Manny, are you calling to congratulate me, too?

No?

What do you mean, the body disappeared?

Manny, that's absolutely ridiculous. We posted guards on the 
entrance to the tomb. Even if someone could roll away the stone,  
guard wouldn't have let him out.

Angels? Manny have you been drinking?

Well, then, maybe the guard had been drinking.

Rolled away the stone. You're sure that's what he said? The 
Angels rolled away the stone?

Then disappeared, right in front of him.

Manny, we've got to put a positive spin on this. We had the 
Christians on the run. They were completely disbursed.

Right. We'll say the guard fell asleep or something and that the 
body was stolen. 

Right.

Yeah, Manny if the Christians find out that the body 
disappeared, we're in big trouble. 

Why?! Jesus promised his friends that he would raise from the 
dead. If they find out the body is missing. You know what 
they're going to think. We have to squash this rumor, Manny. 
Yeah, get right on it.

(click, phone rings)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Why are you calling again. Want to buy be lunch?

Funny you should ask that, Harry. Yeah, it's true, the body 
disappeared, but we know where it is. Yeah, I was just talking 
to the guard at the tomb. He said that the Christians stole the 
body. By the way, Harry, where did you hear this rumor?

From the Christians?! I thought we had them on the run.

They saw him? Saw who?

Jesus? You mean, like, alive? (laughs nervously) Harry, how 
could he be alive? I had the guard run a spear through his heart 
before they took him down from the cross. (laughs) Alive. Isn't 
that ridiculous?

Yeah, you know how those Christians lie, Harry. Remember, they 
were the ones who made up the story about Jesus feeding 3000 
people with a little boy's lunch.

5000? How do you know it was 5000?

You were there. Harry, it's a parlor trick. Anybody could do 
that. Yeah, I'll show you over lunch sometime. 

Yeah, as soon as I get a little free time, Harry. Bye Bye.

(click, phone beeps)

Manny. I'm glad you called. We've got a problem. Apparently, 
rumor is that as many as 500 people saw Jesus after he raised 
from the dead.

Yeah, we have to keep the body snatching story going, but we 
have to go after the people who are speaking publicly about the 
resurrection. Get hold of Saul of Tarsus and have him throw the 
loudmouths in jail.

Yeah, and tell him he can start with a guy named Stephen. He's 
out in the temple courts right now, spouting off. 

Yeah, maybe stone him. Make an example out of him. 

Yeah, bye, Manny.

(click, phone rings)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Please tell me that you want to buy me lunch.

You don't.

Alright, tell me the bad news.

Where did hear about it this time?

Peter? Harry, don't believe a word of it. He's making it all 
up.

Listen, can you believe a thing he says if he denied his own 
friend? 

Hey, gotta go, Harry. Thanks for calling. 

(click, phone beeps)

Manny, I've got more work for you. Grab that apostle Peter and 
put him in Jail. 

I don't know. Make something up. He's going to ruin everything.

Why? He was one of Jesus' best friends. People are going to 
believe him. 

Yeah, put him in chains. Oh, wait. If the angels can roll back 
the stone, they can spring Peter from jail. I tell you what. 
Chain him to two guards and put two guards at the door.

Yeah,... oh, wait, there's a call on the other line. Hang on.

(click)

Thank you for calling the Sanhedrin. May I help you?

Harry! Listen, buddy, I'm up to my elbows here. Can I....

Saul. Saul of Tarsus? You're kidding. I Just sent him to nab 
people who were... 

You're sure he's preaching the resurrection?

Listen, Harry, I really have to go, Bye.

(click)

Manny, you're not going to believe this. Saul of Tarsus, of all 
people, is now preaching the resurrection.

No, I'm not kidding.

I don't know. Find him and have him arrested. 

Just do it! Oh, and put him in stocks and put guards on his cell 
door too.

Yeah, hurry. This is getting out of control.

(click, phone rings)

Hello.

Harry, stop calling. I'm dying here.

Peter? I just had him thrown in jail. How could you....

He escaped?! That's impossible!

An angel of the Lord. Well, how could he....

The hand cuffs just FELL off? 

Guards fell asleep. Harry, that was OUR story.

Holy cow! Listen, thanks for the tip, Harry. I gotta go...

Harry, I know that there's SOME evidence for the 
resurrection, but...

Okay, so there's a lot of evidence, Harry, but it's all a big 
hoax. Don't believe a word of it.... Oh, listen, Harry, I got 
another call. Bye.

(beep, click)

What!

Manny. If this isn't good news, I don't want to hear it.

Good news AND bad news? I'm not sure I want to...

Paul, who's Paul?

Saul of Tarsus. Oh, he changed his name.

So, tell me he's in jail!

He's not.

An earthquake... 

Stocks just fell of his feet?

... and the doors just opened? By themselves?

Manny, can't you wait for lunch to hit the bottle?

Sober. 

So, how is that GOOD news?

He's stopped preaching to the Jews in the temples and synagogues. 
How wonderful! hallelujah!

More good news? Now that's more like it!

Peter stopped preaching to the Jews too? Alright!

Now, the bad news. Well, how bad could it be?

Both of them are now preaching to the gentiles. Why is that bad 
news?

Because every Jew in Jerusalem now knows about the resurrection? 
Oh, Man! Oh, oh, there's another call on the other line. Hold 
on.

(click)

What!

Harry, I really don't have time to....

You want to buy me lunch? Well, after this morning, I guess I 
could use a break. But, I'll tell you, Harry, there's not a lot 
to celebrate.

There is?

YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ? Harry, 
don't tell me YOU'RE a Christian, now.

Oh, brother. Get lost, Harry. Don't call me, anymore.

(beep, click)

Manny, I want good news or I want no news. Got it?

YOU want to have lunch with me? Why? 

YOU want to tell ME about the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Oh, brother! Manny, you're fired!

(click, pause, ring, ring, click, beep)

(recording) You've reached the answering machine of the 
Sanhedrin. I'm not in right now. And I don't want to hear it!

(beep)


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