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ACTS4    5'3m0f Jesus is crucified but his miracles continue

(all voices are Brooklyn accents, scene opens with low mumbling)

BOSS -- Alright, dis meetin' of the Sanhedrin will come to orda. 
Hey, all yous priests and Pharisees, listen up. 

BENNIE - Sure, boss. 

BOSS -- Owa first order a business is owa financial report from 
Vinnie da weasel. Vinnie? 

VINNIE - Tanks, boss. It is with deep remorse that I report a 
rather significant drop in earnings from all da scams in our 
organization.

BENNIE - Hey, wait a minute. The guy who was turning over the 
tables of the money changers and sacrifice sellers, didn't we 
bump him off? He was the messiah, right?

BOSS -- That is ALLEGED messiah, Bennie.

BENNIE - Sorry, boss. But I thought we bumped him off, didn't 
we?

BOSS -- I was under the same impression, Vinnie. Did we punch 
the wrong ticket?

VINNIE - Oh, we got the right man, alright, Boss. It was Jesus 
of Nazareth hanging on the cross alright. I even had the guard 
run a spear through his heart before he took him down to bury 
him.

BOSS -- Well, then how do you explain the continued drop in 
earnings from our operations?

BENNIE - Yeah, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of 
the money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back 
to normal again?

BOSS -- I'll ask the questions around here.

BENNIE - Sorry, boss.

BOSS -- Okay, if he was the guy who overturned the tables of the 
money changers and sacrifice sellers, how come we ain't back to 
normal again?

BENNIE - Good question, boss.

BOSS -- Thank you, Bennie.

BENNIE - You're welcome, Boss.

BOSS -- So, explain to us, Vinnie. How come our earnings is 
still way down?

VINNIE - Word is this Jesus guy raised from the dead.

BENNIE - (Laughs hysterically) Raised from the dead! That's a 
good one, eh, boss? Raised from the dead. (laughs until 
interrupted)

BOSS -- Put a sock in it, Bennie.

BENNIE - Yeah, sure, boss. It wasn't that funny, anyways.

BOSS -- No, it wasn't. I had to personally engineer a cover-up 
when his body disappeared from the tomb.

BENNIE - You mean he did raise from the dead?

VINNIE - Button your lip. Nobody is supposed to know. We was 
gonna to whack everybody what saw Jesus after the resurrection. 
But we found out that Jesus appeared to more than 500 people 
after the resurrection.

BOSS -- That's ALLEGED resurrection, meat head.

VINNIE - Sorry, boss.

BOSS -- Resurrection or not, he should no longer be an influence 
on the earnings of this here organization.

BENNIE - Why not, Boss? Did somebody punch his ticket again?

VINNIE - You been hiding under a rock, Bennie? Jesus ascended 
into heaven.

BOSS -- He ALLEGEDLY ascended into heaven, meat head.

VINNIE - Sorry, boss. 

BENNIE - Holy smokes! Where was I?

BOSS -- I sent you down to Jericho to stir up some civil unrest 
as a diversion, so as nobody would pay much attention to the 
ALLEGED messiah ALLEGEDLY raising from the dead.

BENNIE - Oh, yeah, I ain't had so much fun stirring up a riot 
for a long time.

BOSS - What I don't understand is why, after Jesus disappears 
into the clouds, we are still suffering financially as if he 
were still on earth.

BENNIE - Yeah, so, who is overturning the tables of the money 
changers and sacrifice sellers?

VINNIE - Oh, nobody is doing nothing like that.

BENNIE - Then what's going on here?

BOSS -- I'll ask the questions here, meat heat.

BENNIE - Sorry, boss.

BOSS -- Then what's going on here?

VINNIE - People just aren't sacrificing anymore, boss. They say 
that Jesus was the sacrifice for their sins and so no other 
sacrifice is necessary.

BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss?

BOSS -- What about our other scams? What about the collections 
for the widows and orphans out on the street corners?

VINNIE - The disciples of Jesus are selling their property and 
sharing with the poor directly. People with extra space in their 
homes are inviting widows and orphans to live with them. The 
homeless ain't homeless no more.

BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss?

BOSS -- What about our scam called "prayers for healing". That 
was always a money maker.

VINNIE - The apostles are healing everybody they touch.

BENNIE - We can't let them get away with that can we, boss?

BOSS -- Put a sock in it, Bennie.

BENNIE - Sorry, boss.

BOSS -- We can't let them get away with that. Let's have the 
apostles arrested.

VINNIE - We just arrested Peter and John after they healed a 
lame beggar. They spent the night in jail. But we couldn't 
charge them with anything. There's no law against healing lame 
people.

BENNIE - Well, at least it slowed them down, huh?

VINNIE - Not really. While Peter and John was in jail, the 
Christians had 5000 more converts.

BENNIE - (laughs) Talk about stupid. (laughs)

BOSS -- What are you laughing about?

BENNIE - 5000 people is following a guy who ain't even here no 
more. Talk about stupid. (laughs)

BOSS -- One of them stupid people was my mother.

BENNIE - (stops laughing) Oh.  Sorry, boss. (fading) Oooo. Aaah! 
Oooo! Where you taking me, Boss?

(door open)

BOSS -- (fading) I'm gonna give you deep water swimming lessons 
with concrete swim fins. This meeting is adjourned.

(door close)


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