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ACTS14   5'2m0f Paul performs a miracle, then is stoned

(click)

FRED -- (teenager, blows on mike twice) Is this thing on? (blows 
on mike twice) Testing, testing, testing. How do you know if the 
tape is going?

BARNABAS -- (always afar) The little reels are turning inside. 
See?

FRED -- Oh, yeah. So, this is Fred. And Barnabas, here, is 
letting me dictate the next chapter in his book. What was that 
title of your book again?

BARNABAS -- The Acts of the Apostles.

FRED -- Oh, yeah, the acts of the apostles. And this is chapter 
13.

BARNABAS -- 14.

FRED -- 14. And you're not going to believe what just happened! 
So, ah, well, I guess we should start at the beginning, so you 
don't miss a thing. See, people are going to be reading this 
book for thousands of years, and they're going to do Bible 
studies on it and stuff. So, I wanted to record it exactly as it 
happened. So, I bought this tape recorder. So, even if no other 
chapter is correct, my chapter, chapter 13 will be correct.

BARNABAS -- Chapter 14.

FRED -- Chapter 14. You have no idea how awesome it is to be a 
part of history, like this. I've done some awesome stuff in my 
life but I've never seen anything like...

BARNABAS -- Ah, your tape is running. Why don't you get started 
before you run out of tape.

FRED -- Oh, yeah. Well, it all started in Lystra.

BARNABAS -- Iconium.

FRED -- Like I said it all started in Iconium. Paul and Barnabas 
went into the temple to preach. They spoke so effectively that 
they won a large number of Jews and gentiles to the Lord. How am 
I doing so far?

BARNABAS -- You're doing fine, except that there's no temple in 
Iconium. Just a synagogue.

FRED -- Okay. Did you get that? Okay, so some of the Jews 
refused to believe and they spoke out against Paul and Barnabas. 
So, Paul and Barnabas did some signs and miracles to convince 
them. 

BARNABAS -- Well, actually it was the Lord who did the signs and 
miracles, but you have the right idea.

FRED -- Thanks. I'm getting pretty good at this, huh?

BARNABAS -- Keep going.

FRED -- Oh, yeah. So, anyways, some of the Jews plotted to 
persecute Paul and Barnabas and maybe even stone them to 
death. Can you believe the nerve of those guys?!

BARNABAS -- Save the editorials. Just report the facts.

FRED -- Oh, sure. Anyways, Paul and Barnabas found out about the 
plot and ran away to Antioch.

BARNABAS -- Lystra.

FRED -- Didn't I say that? 

BARNABAS -- No.

FRED -- Anyways, so, in Lystra, this crippled guy has feet all 
gnarly and stuff, like, so, he can't even walk or nothing, see? 
And he's sitting there listening to Paul and Paul sees that the 
lame guy has faith in Jesus and all, so he tells the lame guy to 
get up and walk. So, the lame guy gets up and walks. Can you 
believe it? I mean, I seen some nifty stuff before, but...

BARNABAS -- Save the editorials. Just report the facts.

FRED -- Oh, yeah. So, anyways, this is the best part. When the 
people of Lystra see the lame guy walking, they go bananas.

BARNABAS -- I'm not sure bananas is a good word for the Bible.

FRED -- Anyways, they think that Paul and Barnabas are Greek 
gods or something. And they want to sacrifice animals to them. 
(sickened) Have you ever seen how they sacrifice animals? I 
mean, gag me with a spoon!

BARNABAS -- (clears throat)

FRED -- Sorry. So, anyways, Paul tries to explain to the crowd 
how he's just ordinary Joe Jew...

BARNABAS -- I don't think you can say that.

FRED -- Well, anyways, even after he explains that it was God 
who done the miracles, the people still thought Paul and 
Barnabas was gods. Well, I could have convinced them that Paul 
and Barnabas were just guys. I sat down wind from them after 
they ate beans.

BARNABAS -- Can we just get on with the chapter?

FRED -- Oh, sure. Anyways, meanwhile these Jews from Lystra came 
into town and...

BARNABAS -- Excuse me, we're now in Lystra. They came from 
Iconium.

FRED -- Whatever. So, here's the best part....

BARNABAS -- I thought we already had the best part.

FRED -- Oh, yeah, but this is even better. These guys from 
Iconium come into town and stir up the Jews who didn't believe 
yet. And they dragged Paul out of town and stoned him to death.

BARNABAS -- They didn't stone him TO DEATH.

FRED -- They didn't? 

BARNABAS -- No.

FRED -- Oh. You know, this Bible stuff isn't as easy as I 
thought it was gonna be.

BARNABAS -- No. And we still have 14 chapters to go.

FRED -- Fourteen chapters! I changed my mind. You can write the 
book yourself.

BARNABAS -- Okay.

FRED -- Okay? You're not disappointed?

BARNABAS -- No, I think I prefer pen and ink anyway. Besides, 
cassette recorders haven't been invented yet.

FRED -- Oh, then I'd better turn this off.

(click)


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